Think of something you want: a habit, a relationship, a career, a home, more money, more peace. Now ask a strange question: what would you lose if you actually got it?
It sounds backward. Getting what you want should only be good, right? But here’s the truth most manifestation advice skips: the ego pretends it wants to expand. It says it wants more. But the ego actually thrives on limitations. It reverberates on them. And unless you learn to work with it, it will keep you stuck in a prison it secretly values.
Find what you’d lose
Here’s a simple example. Say you tell yourself, “I wish I could work out every day.” And then, every day, you lie in bed watching TikTok instead, feeling sorry for yourself.
In your mind, you want to work out. So why can’t you step into it? Because there’s resistance to the manifestation, and it’s an identity process. Right now, you’re not someone who works out every day. You’re someone who watches TikTok every day, and wishes they worked out.
So ask: if I became someone who works out every day, what would I lose? I’d lose the TikTok time. I’d lose the comfort of my current routine. And strangely, I’d lose the ability to beat myself up about it, to be someone who wishes. Beating yourself up doesn’t sound like a good thing, but to the ego there’s always a reason. If you’re doing it, some part of you believes it’s helping.
When you see what you’d lose, you see what the ego is gaining by keeping you in prison.
Psychologists have mapped this too. Harvard’s Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey call it “immunity to change”: underneath a goal we sincerely want, we often hold a hidden competing commitment, like staying safe, staying liked, or staying the same. And in internal family systems therapy, the parts that hold us back are seen as protectors, not enemies, doing their best to keep us from a pain they remember.
Owning your limitations without blaming yourself
To get out of this prison, you have to understand something that’s uncomfortable to hear: the only limitations that truly hold you are the ones that live in your psyche. And that means taking responsibility for things that don’t feel fair to take responsibility for.
In a physical body, inside a society, we say: I’m limited because of my past, my skin color, my gender, my finances, my trauma. And those external limitations are real. It’s not your fault you feel limited by your gender; that came from society. But those limits gain their power when they’ve been absorbed into your consciousness, often so deeply you don’t even realize you’re limiting yourself.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about freedom. If you identify as someone who’s limited, you’ll stay limited. When you own a limitation, you get to transmute it into an identity you actually want to embody.
Example: success in tech, without masking
Here’s how it played out for me. Say the thought is: I don’t have success in tech because I’m perceived as a woman. That’s a limitation I absorbed from real experiences in a real society. So I own it and transform it: I want to be the most successful woman in tech. (I’m non-binary, so even that headline would carry resistance for me.)
Then I ask: what would I lose if I got that? And the resistant parts speak up. There’s a part that feels like I’d have to mask at a tech job. A part that feels like an imposter. A part that refuses to go along with building things that don’t benefit humanity.
Now comes the shadow work. I sit with the part that feels like it has to mask. Why do you feel that way? Do you really have to? Can we be authentic and successful? And as each part gets the light of illumination, the plan changes. If I want to innovate and push forward technology that serves people, maybe I don’t want to become the CEO of a big tech company at all. Maybe I need to start my own company and be my own CEO. So that’s what I did.
Before integrating those parts, I’d have been chasing a version of success that my own protectors were quietly sabotaging. After, I could pursue one where I don’t have to mask, don’t have to compromise, and don’t have to build things I don’t believe in.
The ritual
Grab a pen and paper. You can type it, but there’s something about writing by hand that goes deeper into the psyche and makes it tangible.
- Write down your biggest goal. The thing you really want that comes to mind right now: a habit, a career goal, a romance, a family, a home, a material thing. It can sound delusional, but you have to truly want it. Ask yourself: will this actually nourish me?
- Write what could go wrong if you got it. List every negative consequence you can think of. These are your resistances: the parts of you with their heels dug into the ground.
- Connect with the part behind the first fear. Ask it: why do you feel this way? What if we could have it all, and be safe from that? What would it take?
- Help it open its eyes. Many of these parts got stuck in childhood, guarding against a danger that no longer exists. Ask: can you see that this isn’t happening anymore? Often, just looking around, a part realizes the danger is gone and transforms.
- Solve it together. If a part doesn’t trust you, ask why. Did someone teach you not to trust yourself? Did you learn it from a past mistake? Then ask what would help you trust yourself: integrity, showing up, building safety nets.
- Repeat for each fear on your list. Approach every part with love, curiosity, and an open heart. They’re little ones who got stuck, and you’re welcoming them home.
Manifesting from fulfillment
You might be wondering how thinking about resistance can actually create success in your life. The answer is ALL ONE. Everything exists inside your own psyche, from the tiniest molecule to the largest expanse of space. When you heal yourself, you heal the world. Each part you integrate inside your mind creates abundance in your real life.
Once your protectors understand that you can be safe and successful, the limitations fall away. Often you’ll find yourself manifesting something completely different from what you thought you wanted at the start, because now you’re manifesting from a place of total fulfillment and alignment. And from that place, it becomes remarkably easy.
So ask yourself the question again: what would you lose if you got what you wanted? Then listen. The answer is the door.
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